True change: The Price of indifference (What’s Love got to do with it?) ©

Romans 8:37

Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

Now you may be asking, what’s up with the title? 

For those of you that truly know me the topic choice seems really strange and I admit it is a little outside of my normal “cool and calm” demeanor. I rarely let things rattle me to the point of indifference. But lately I have had some things happen that have forced me to alter my perspective on things somewhat. “What is the cause of my indifference” you may ask (then again you might not … but I’m gonna tell you anyway). The source of my indifference is plain and simple. Frankly, Ya boy is just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of partisan politics, tired of high gas prices, tired of loved ones coming back in body bags, tired of mudslinging politicians and simple minded pundits, tired of people’s lack of respect for one another, tired placing my trust in people only to be disappointed, tired of being a giver in a world full of takers, and unfortunately my list goes on and on.

Yes, tired of being a giver in a world full of takers. I felt like that warranted repeating. You see there are two types of people in this world. There are givers and there are takers. Unfortunately until you determine which one you are, you are not a damn bit of good to anyone…. Not even yourself. Now I know plenty of people who profess to be givers, yet all they do is take. Regrettably, takers are just takers and you definitely know one when you see one (Then again, sometimes you don’t). Honest self reflection is the only way we can determine your heart’s condition. Do you have the heart of a giver (which would make you an individual after God’s own heart) or is yours that of a taker (Basically meaning, that all you do is think about yourself never truly taking the feelings and concerns of other’s under consideration and when you do….. it is only because you stand to gain something from it)?

I personally have the heart of a giver. I am sometimes selfless to a fault. I will be the first to admit that. I know that I sometimes overextend myself for the ones that I love. But in all honesty, if I can’t love you unconditionally then how can I truthfully say that I love you. Unfortunately, I can’t. People use the word Love far too loosely these days. Please by all means, don’t say it if you don’t truly mean it. Words have power and the word Love carries an enormous amount of power and influence all by itself.

I’ll give you a few examples of what I mean:

Love will make you do things that you swore to yourself that you would never do. Love will make you put yourself in harm’s way for the ones you love. Love will make you look beyond the one you love’s faults and shortcomings (Mainly because we ourselves are not perfect), Love will make you give your last (insert here) to insure that the one you love never suffers any pain or discomfort. Love can either cause many a sleepless night or grant you some of the soundest sleep you have ever had in your life. True love makes you do all of these things and more without reservation or precondition……

…Or at least it should anyway.

Nevertheless, there are far too many people in today’s society professing to love people without a clear understanding of what it truly takes to love someone. Love is only complicated because we choose to make it so. Treat the one you profess to love the way you would like to be treated and I guarantee you that what you have will work. I am a living witness to that. Love is more than just lip service. In this writer’s humble opinion, love is 90% action and 10% verbalization. You will NEVER have to tell me you love me if I can honestly see and feel that you love me in your actions towards me and by the way you treat me. Don’t just tell me you love me R.A.C.E. with me (When you get a moment, revisit my earlier entry “A Lesson in R.A.C.E. relations”).

Hence my indifference. My indifference stems from those takers in my life. Those individuals that are only around as long as they are getting what they want and need regardless of what “It” happens to be.

You know who you are and just in case you don’t…well let me call the roll:

My family (Not all of you but you know who you are), my exes (Not all of you but you know who you are), and my fair-weather friends (you definitely know who you are), and last but certainly not least my……ummm never mind. God has TRULY brought me a mighty long way is all I can say and he ain’t…yeah I said ain’t ….done with me yet. I am not perfect by any means and am most definitely still a work in progress.

But I digress…..

The wonderful thing about God’s Grace is that allows for us to be indifferent. However, it doesn’t and will not allow us to remain that way. Honestly, five years ago I could not have written this entry without naming names and saying some pretty foul things. However, when you know who you are and Whose you are…… When you know from whence your help truly comes…..it allows you to show objectivity, even amidst feelings of indifference…. And for that I can only give thanks to the Most High. Which reiterates the point I made earlier about loss not always being a bad thing. Sometimes in order to build something of substance you have to break ground, in order to lay the proper foundation. That has been the story of my life. Loss can eventually lead to gain. It’s all in your perspective.

The Price of indifference is only as expensive as you allow it to be. As for me, I am an Emotional Cheapskate. I am unwilling to spend enormous amounts of time, energy or anything else for that matter mulling over the regretful decisions of my past. Life is way too short and too full of promise. And for those of you that may be experiencing some form of disappointment and disenchantment right now, please don’t waste precious time dwelling on it. Press on. Mainly because ….and those of you that believe as I do may agree….  When God closes or allows a door to close, it’s only because he plans on opening another door allowing you access to what is truly meant for you. Oh, and don’t fret the door that an individual closes on you. God will open a window to get a blessing to you and that in itself is truly something to be happy and hopeful about. Simply because, the last time I checked…. there were more windows in a crib than there were doors.

Opportunities abound. It’s up to you to take advantage of them when they present themselves. However, please make sure to never cease an opportunity at the expense of someone else’s mental, emotional, or physical stability and well-being. The livelihood you save may be your own.

What’s love got to do with it?

Everything. Nothing. It basically depends on your heart’s condition. However, ask yourself this question and please be brutally honest with yourself:

Am I a Giver or am I a Taker?

Your answer to the question will pretty much determine quality of life. For some – if you’re truly honest with yourself - the answer may just surprise you.

Substance ©

Beware that you do not lose the substance grasping at the shadow.

Aesop

While doing my due diligence for this entry I discovered that there are (as with most things) various schools of thought on the substance of something. The Encyclopedia Britannica Online has at least thirteen ranging from Artistotelianism to Islamic Philosophy with the former having Substance as one of its key components while the latter boasts of the relation between corporeal things, which are changeable, in constant flux, infinite, and as such unknowable, on the one hand, and the permanent world of forms (spiritual or secondary substances), which are not subject to flux yet to which human beings have no access except through things of the senses. The latter making a hell of a lot of sense due to the fact that whenever one looks at that region of the world that at some point or another, things are in a constant state of change. There never seems to ever be a sense of stability there….

But I digress…

For the purposes of today’s entry, the sort of substance to which I refer deals with one’s moral fiber. Dictionary.com defines Moral Fiber as the strength of one’s character or firmness of purpose. One’s character is basically one’s distinctive mental and moral quality. Your character defines your belief system. One’s belief system defines one’s actions. One’s actions define their environment. One’s environment is - for better or for worse - the sum total of their life choices and decisions. One’s life choices and decisions in essence determine their quality of life. The culmination of all of the aforementioned things inevitably becomes the substance of an individual’s very existence.

Any relationship worth its salt has a level of depth to it that makes all parties in the relationship so secure within it that they never have to question its purpose or have any doubt that the effort being put forth to sustain it is worth it. The level of depth to which I refer is sometimes referred to as the relationship’s substance. Now don’t misunderstand my previous statement, every relationship comes to a crossroad. A point in the relationship where you question the level of your involvement, the amount of time of invested, and if you are truly honest with yourself….. the value of the return you have received on your investment. It is at this crossroad where you are faced with making a choice (Because after all, life is all about choices). The choice to press on or cut your losses and quit while you are ahead. Your decision is usually based on the level of your emotional investment. If you truly care about what or who you have completely “sold out” for, then with that comes a tremendous amount of separation anxiety. No one likes loss. I mean seriously….who signs up to lose something. Life in one way or another has taught us that loss is a bad thing when in all actuality it sometimes is the best thing that could ever happen to us. As a matter of fact, experience has taught me that sometimes we cause ourselves the most pain trying to hold on to something God wants us to let go of. Loss to this writer is synonymous with change. For how in the world can you make room for anything new if you continue to hold onto old things or live in the past. Hoarders in my opinion are those individuals who fear change, with Emotional Hoarders being the worst kind. Even me (as progressive minded as I claim to be) have had moments where I have allowed anxiety to momentarily effect my situational discernment. Where the thought of losing someone or something kept me from making the absolute best decision for me given the situation. The true litmus test in this author’s opinion of whether or not the relationship your are in has any substance is if you take away everything that you love about the person, place or thing, the way you feel about said person, place or thing doesn’t change. For it is what a relationship or connection is made up of that sustains it.

As for me, given the choice between aesthetic appearance and actual functionality… I’ll take actual functionality every time. Quality over quantity. Still confused? Ok. Let’s see I can make things somewhat clearer for you….

Give me a Porsche Cayenne over a Porsche Boxer. Give me a beautiful woman that can speak intelligently over a beautiful woman that can’t read or comprehend simple life basics. Give me a strong, functional, “real” relationship with someone over one that appears to be awesome but is highly dysfunctional. Unfortunately, individuals in today’s society get caught up on “optics”. Sadly people would rather look like they are doing something as opposed to actually doing something. I.e... Some people would rather look happy than be happy. Some individuals want all of the trappings of success without investing any sweat equity to reach their goals and dreams. Many in today’s society will date a beautiful person with a horrible spirit as opposed to in their opinion “settling” for someone not as attractive with a heart of gold.

The unfortunate state of today’s relationships is a clear indicator that society needs a complete overhaul on its belief system and priorities.  It seems that today’s relationships and connections base their substance on the tangible rather than the intangible. In my humble opinion there are several factors that currently and that may have possibly contributed to this:

• An Increase in individuals lacking any sort of spiritual connection
• The single parent home structure
• Gender Role reversal (More female head of households)
• The increased popularity of Social Media
• Lack of Societal Accountability
• The increase in the popularity of “Reality” Television
• Sensationalist Media Outlets
• The absence of true community leaders

Should I go on?

I mean I could….

All of the aforementioned factors seem to have contributed to the critical state our communities have found themselves in. 

More serial killings, increased Police Brutality, astronomical homicide rates in many of our Major Cities (hang in there Chitown… The dawn is coming), blatant disrespect of persons by today’s youth, decreased church attendance nationwide, an decline in literacy rates, mismanagement of Natural Resources, abuse of power by those in power… I mean the list goes on and on. Regrettably, due to the fact that so many in today’s society in one way or another have bought into the fact that relationships are better when they are superficial , standard human interaction has become far more complicated than the Creator ever intended it to be. Regrettably, because so many of our critical relationships and connections lack depth, they are easily disposable. Gone are the days when people were truly invested in the well being of their fellow man/ woman. The Golden Rule has almost gone the way of the Dodo. “What’s in it for me” seems to be the theme of the day. Narcissism has replaced Selflessness. Due to this shift in society’s psyche, relationships are more about instant gratification than about “the long haul”. Hence the lack of actual character depth.

The result: Shallow principles when dealing with one another on the part of some and dysfunctional relationships. Show me a relationship or connection that lacks substance and I’ll show you chaos, turmoil and disorder.

But fret not. The solution is easier than you may think.

Ready?

Here it is….

Slow down ….and Listen. 

The Most High gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.

 It’s pretty much that simple.

People in today’s society are in such a hurry to get absolutely nowhere. I see it every day. On my morning commute, at my local Starbucks, in the park while people watching or in line waiting to be serviced in some capacity. (Which for the life of me I will never understand…. I mean you did see the line when you walked up, right?).

There is one undeniable truth in this life. You can’t change or control people. All you can do is control how you react to people or circumstances. So instead of flipping off the cat that cut you off in traffic, just wink at ‘em when you pull up next to them at the next stop light. Instead of rushing your significant other when they are getting ready for that date, tell them how beautiful/ handsome they look when they finally appear in the doorway. Instead of rushing to leave work, take the time to decompress so that you don’t take that tension home and negatively affect your home life. Before you rush respond to a supposed “offense”, process the statement. Is it worth responding? Is the response even necessary? Will this change your life? Will this even matter in 15 minutes?  If the answer to any of these questions is no, take a deep breath and smile and remain silent knowing that sometimes silence speaks volumes and a soft word (or no words) turns away unnecessary strife and unwarranted wrath. So many individuals in today’s society listen to respond instead of actually taking the time to listen to understand. It’s not always imperative to be right. Sometimes maintaining a harmonious relationship or connection is more important than being right. Now please understand that one is not to swallow their pride to the point that they choke on it. 

Two of the most important components of healthy, successful and harmonious relationships or interactions of any kind are compassion and compromise. Both allow all parties involved to adequately express what’s important to them and to agree to disagree if both parties can’t see eye to eye on the subject. However, due to the fact that there are only two types of people in this world – givers and takers – the latter typically always dominate any situation as long as they are allowed to. Takers are parasites that suck the life out of every situation they are connected to and just like every parasite once they have drained their host, they move on to the next. Unfortunately, leaving substantial collateral damage in their wake…. Broken hearts, shattered dreams, dysfunctional homes, unrealized potential and the like. That’s why it is imperative to understand exactly who or what you are dealing with… and respond accordingly.

So in closing in this writer’s humble opinion, substance as it relates to the human condition basically means that what you have aligned yourself with is actually rooted in something of significance. The key to determining if that is in fact the case with your current situation is to be totally honest with yourself about the purpose it serves in relation to the direction your life is currently headed. Truth is …. Successful people understand that as you move further and further into your purpose and closer towards your goals, your circle will get smaller. Those who remain usually are there to embolden you, encourage you, motivate you, ground you and provide the necessary substance you need to carry on when everything around you is telling you to give up. Substance is the thing that makes “it” all worth it (whatever “it” represents for you). 

The substances that a relationship or connection is rooted in makes an individual believe that this too shall pass. The one thing that I humbly ask is that whatever that substance may be, make sure that it is not rooted in something temporal. Ensure that whatever that substance may be, that it will be there long after the excitement, enthusiasm and the “newness” has worn off. Make sure that whatever that substance is, that it is something that will empower you and not something that serves to hinder your progress. Think as logically as you can regardless of how emotionally attached you may have become in the relationship or to the connection that you have established. When evaluating the substance in which your current condition is firmly rooted, think objectively. For as with building anything, the stronger and more solid the foundation the longer the structure will stand. Now granted nothing lasts forever. Friends come and go. Love fades. People age. You are born to die. However, the one constant is that we can choose the quality of each condition:

 Friends want to leave? Let them.

Love has faded? Keep your heart open to receive love. The love you seek is out there, you just have to keep your heart open and make yourself available to receive it.

You are not as young as you used to be? Remember that age ain’t (yeah I said ain’t) nothing but a number and that it’s not the number of years that you live, but the quality of the life led during them.

And yes….

We are all born to die (Unless you are a vampire). So make sure that you live life as the Creator intended…on purpose and with the most positive and optimistic outlook possible. Live your life…Never let your life live you. It’s never too late. Never let anyone fill your head with that nonsense. There is no effective or expiration date on a fruitful and fervent life.

So…

Get busy living or get busy dying. Oh yeah and by the way… don’t worry about that last part, sooner or later we all take that trip. However, in the meantime indulge yourself in all that life has to offer. Fully participate in the process…. For better or for worse. For if your life is properly grounded with the proper foundation and the substance of your foundation is sound, you will experience life just as the Creator intended…

Wholly and serenely.